Nothing Left to Lose [entries|friends|calendar] Matt [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

When they say..its not enough [25 Jul 2005|11:04pm] [ mood | unanimated ] [ music | Fuel: number 9 ] I can't shake it....like i look at people around me...like today i saw ashley my old friends parents....they recognized me said hi ...talked to me..and she treats me like im some sort of monster...like i've done something so horrible that i don't deserve the time of day...Lately also, its been like my life feels like one of u those scratched CD's....things just sorta come out in spurts...its never stays the same...im happy...but at the same time i cvan be miserable for a little while...I remember last year....at the swim club, when it was me, corrie, lauren, becca, vinny, craig, dan, and ryan, and ryan, i talk to 3 of those people....I know i don't belong to the swim club anymore..and it sucks cause its causing such a fight between my parents....but anyways...thats not really wants on my mind..my aunt sat down with me saturday night and talked to me about my parents...telling me how strong im being, in having to deal with both my parents complaining and problems...seeing both sides....seeing how they twist everything...and i realized...its not normal...i always thought it was...but its not....and she sat there and told me to my face that she never wants me to put a child through it...and i know alot of people know what it feels like to have divorced parents and im not looking for sympathy...im just saying you do u know what it feels like when ur mom tells u something ur dad said about u then ur dad warps it into something else....or vice versa...? Its sad when the only thing i really like to/ can open up to is this white screen... "she made no sound...then goodbye.." 14 Comment

Cause i was bored [17 Jul 2005|11:37am] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | remedy : seether ] Your First Name: Matt First car: 95 grand am First real kiss: Marla davis First break-up: Angela Mochella First screen name: MVP9293 First self purchased album: that was a long time ago First funeral: My grandpa First pets: taffy..stupid mutt First piercing/tattoo: negative First credit card: freshman year First true love: can't really experience love if were still in highschool First big trip: Caribean cruise thing First music you remember listening to: Car radio Last car ride: Me driving home from mackenzie Last kiss: mackenzie Last good cry: Adams moms funeral Last movie seen: bruce almighty Last beverage drank: Water Last food consumed: hershey bar Last crush: Mackenzie Last phone call: my dad Last time showered: about 10 minutes ago Last shoes worn: My Etnies Last item bought: Seethers new CD Last annoyance: my neck i pulled a muscle in it Last time wanting to die: never, sucicide and me don't mix r e l a t i o n s h i p s 01. who are your best friends? adam, cameron, devin, boomer 02. do you have a girlfriend? yes, mackenzie =) s p e c i f i c s 01. do you do drugs? no 02. what kind of shampoo do you use? whatevers in those clear bottles? 03. what are you most scared of? Losing another person whose close to me 04. what are you listening to right now? Remedy by seether 05. where do you want to get married? anywhere 06. how many buddies are online right now? 205 07. what would you change about yourself? nothing, maybe not be as stubborn as i am f a v o r i t e s 01. color: green 02. food: Cinnamon rolls 03. boys' names: not really a thought 04. girls' names: "" "" 05. subjects in school: math 06. animals: cats 07. sports: basketball, tennis, swimming 08. perfume: hollister stuff mackenzie wears haha 09. cologne: Black h a v e | y o u | e v e r 01. given anyone a bath? haha no 02. smoked? no 03. bungee jumped? negative hate heights 04. made yourself throw up? no 05. skinny dipped? yes 06: ever been in love? yes 07. made yourself cry to get out of trouble? negative 08. pictured your crush/boyfriend naked? im a guy...yes 09. actually seen your crush/boyfriend naked? yes lol 10. cried when someone died? yes 11. lied? yes 12. fallen for your best friend? yes a few times 13. been rejected? yea 14. rejected someone? yup 15. used someone? everyone has in the past 16. done something you regret? i don't regret anything i do...only things i didn't c u r r e n t clothes: shorts and a t-shirt music: seether smell: clean smell desktop picture: blue screen book you're reading: nothing dvd in player: nothing l a s t | p e r s o n you touched: mackenzie hugged: mackenzie imed: adam a r e | y o u understanding: yes open-minded: yes but im stubborn alot arrogant: i try not to be insecure: no interesting: yes haha smart: sometimes moody: yes hardworking: yes organized: no healthy: i guess shy: no attractive: lol thats for all of you to comment about bored easily: no responsible: yes obsessed: no angry: no sad: no disappointed: no happy: yeah hyper: yes trusting: yea talkative: yes legal: yes w h o | d o | y o u | w a n n a kill: no one get high with: no one look like: i like myself talk to offline: anyone talk to online: anyone r a n d o m in the morning: i say: fuck this all i need is: my guitar love is: a strange feeling i dream about: some weird stuff what do you notice first: on girls, hair, body last person you danced with: ashley who makes you laugh the most: cameron and i who makes you smile: anyone who do you have a crush on: mackenzie hah who has a crush on you: like i siad thats for u people to comment ;P w h i c h | i s | b e t t e r coke or pepsi: pepsi flowers or candy: candy bitch tall or short: tall d o | y o u | e v e r sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone to IM you: depends on who it is haha no.. save conversations: no wish you were a member of the opposite sex: im a guy...what do u think wish you were younger: no cry because someone said something to you: no n u m b e r of times I have had my heart broken: my heart can't break im 2 stubborn =) of hearts i have broken: one... of guys i've kissed: uhhh wtf? of girls i've kissed: was i supposed to count..haha cause i can't remember of continents i have lived on: 1 of tight friends: a few of cds i own: tons of scars on body: haha sparkle market scars my body enough 6 Comment

Its been a while... [16 Jul 2005|07:44pm] [ mood | surprised ] [ music | Remedy : seether ] "I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living Right on the wrong side of it all" I hate finding things out about "friends" of mine through other people....and i hate when people change so much that they act like they don't even know me anymore...liek there almost 2 good for me...who knows...maybe they are..but like i've become friends with certain people..and now they don't even acknowledge me as someone they even know...they changed there mindset...theres a certain someone to..who just looking through a few things really shocked me...im not gonna say who it is..but i really am kinda hurt...that this person and someone else would do that....i mean maybe im over reacting...but it kinda hurt...promises mean nothing to me anymore...there just empty word with no purpose...I honestly trust very few people..and this sorta leads me to not trust people more... i've been working 8 hours a day for 5 days a week...which means big paycheck...but guess what...family must think its cool to remember money i owe them.... I was thinking back to a few years ago...when i thought change was something small and i knew who my friends were...now i can only name a few who i honestly think want me to trust them "back to the remedy.." 6 Comment

[26 Jun 2005|12:06am] 01. Reply with your name and I will write something about you. 02. I will then tell what reminds me of you. 03. I will tell you what band or movie that reminds me of you. 04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you. 05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you. 06. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you. yes do it now....rumple 46 Comment

Whats up mayne! [25 Jun 2005|07:33am] [ mood | tired/happy ] Things have been going good now...lol theres peace with everyone...plus i don''t care anymore....its 7:30 am and i have to go to work till 4:30...8 hours of work.....its gonna be fun...right....but i just wanted to say about my week so far....thursday me boomer adam and devin went to the festival but realized it was lame and left...went to anthony's bon fire but that was lame to lol so we left....the rest of the night went REAL slow....but friday was amazing...mackenzie came over and we watched saw...and then we went out and made a few stops and ended up at her house...we went on a walk and then layed on ur trampoline.....it was nice....thast all for now.... "Now im going through changes, god i feel so frustrated lately" 7 Comment

Things are always changing [21 Jun 2005|10:28pm] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | Bones and joints : finger eleven ] The thing that i never understand, is change, why it happens, why it has to be so abrupt, and most of all...why its not always for the better...i watch friends, family members, even people i don't know...change...i was reading a friends journal today and i realiezd that i don't even know them anymore...they have changed everything about them...i couldn't even tell you one thing i know about them anymore...i guess maybe thast how life is..you can't stay friends with everyone...i really have come to terms with it all..but i wish those few people that i was so close with could still be here...i think the only person over all the years that has stayed close with me is ryan walker...we've been friends from 5th grade till now....and theres been nothing thats interfered with us....i say that with the irony of our other friend ashley...who now has a strange hatred for me...besides that i just figured i'd write it cause i was thinking it.... -I think i'd like to play another game...maybe i could win this time" 8 Comment

go talk some more shit [19 Jun 2005|05:01pm] [ mood | fuck off ] [ music | First time : finger elevan ] -censored- i cleaerd things up with one of you and the other one is still pissed...so whatever...i figured it would be easier for all of you to just not read it...that way you don't start another war 34 Comment

[03 Jun 2005|06:46pm] [ mood | pissed off beyond anything ] [ music | Prayer : disturbed ] three hundred and fucking twenty one dollars to fix my car....so i pay the money...get in it...clean the whole thing out..all my sisters damn cigerretes all her clothes, all her food...spotless..spend 8 bucks on a car wash and get 13 dollars worth of quarters back...and im still calm...untill i get home and the fucking thing is STILL leaking collant....so i get back to my dads garage...and sure enough the damn things over heated...smoking...and no ones here to help me.. my dads not answering his phone and im pissed beyond belief...and on top of it...i broke my door off into my living room....why? becasue i have anger problems....ya i do....to top off an already shitty week...im now carless AGAIN a parent whos not gonna be home for 3 days so no car...and im stuck here....i just wanna go out but my cars gonna start smoking if i do....and on top of all this...people are really starting to piss me off...if your so god damn sensative towards me get away from me...if im so mean, keep ur distance...tell me u don't wanna talk to me...why is it that when i say something you all think im some horrible person..but if i get the least bit pissed when someone ranks on me..im out of line? its been a while since i've exploded like this...and i understand why i kept things inside...so im not gonna even bother talking about things anymore...as for this thing? well its the only thing i can vent in...and half the people who read it comment shit that has nothing to do with what im feeling... "Living just isn't hard enough" "Never say can things get worse,cause theres always a ledge you can fall of off" 10 Comment

[03 Jun 2005|06:50am] [ mood | amused ] its 6 AM and im bored I. What does the name say on your birth certificate? Matthew vincent petrella II. What is the name that all your friends call you by? Matt, Matty P, screech III. What day of the year do you blow out the candles? april 23 IV. Which country authorized your passport? United States. V. What are you Zodiac and Chinese signs? taurus/ no clue VI. Look in the mirror. The color of your hair is what? dark brown VII. Look in the mirror one more time, what color are your eyes? change but mostly blue green VIII. Hop on the weighing scales! How far did the number jump past 0? 197 IX. Stand up straight! How high up is the top of your head from the ground? 6'2 Home Sweet Home I. Who are all those other people living in your house? mom, dad, jen II. Do you get along with mom or dad better? mom IV. Any siblings living outside the house? Nope. V. What's the name of the place you live in currently? Boardman, Ohio VI. You love it there, dont you? yea its nice VII. Overall, you like moms side of the family more, or dads? Mom's. Knowledge Is Power I. First things first, private or public school? Public. II. What's its name? mascot? colors? BHS. Spartan. Maroon and white. III. What is/are the class(es) you can't wait to get to? Mech drawing/ science IV. How about the class you consider bedtime? bio V. Are you an English/Art, or a Math/Science person? math science VI. What sports do/have you played: basketball, tennis, swimming VII. When the teacher checks the homework, do you usually get a "0" or a "100"? 100 Confidentiality & Beliefs I. What's your worst fear? not being there when im needed most II. Have you ever acted troubled, just to get attention? can't say troubled....but other things III. Do you believe in God? Jesus? Satan? Heaven? Purgatory? not really sure IV. Do you have a secret that you'll take to the grave with you? Yes, V. Have you ever told somebody you loved them, when secretly you didn't at all? No, i don't agree with that at all VI. (Friends, Religion, Politics, Family, Education, & Relationships) Organize the previous six in order of your personal preference in life: Family, Friends,Education, Relationships,Religion and Politics. VII. Have you ever cried in front of someone, and felt ashamed of it? No VIII. Have you ever done drugs? no The Hills Are Alive With The Sound of Music I. If you had to pick, what's your favorite song of the moment? Starless crossfade II. Even though you can download music, do you still buy cds just because of the cd-case, CD itself, booklet, or just general authenticity? Yes. III. What lone genre of music do you prefer above all? alternative IV. What band/artist has impacted your life the most? Fuel V. What band/artist makes you cringe? Cringe in an angry way? EMO SUCKS VI. How many music files do you have on your computer? zero VII. How many are legal? all of them cause i have non dumbass VIII. What instruments can you play? Guitar and i sing The Small & Silver Screens I. What's your favorite movie? empire records, the longest yard II. Generally, what genre of movies do you jump at the oppurtunity to see? (Action, Adventure, Comedy, Horror, Drama, Romance, Science Fiction): comedy action horror III. Do you cry during/after certain movies? negatory IV. What time of day do you prefer to see movies at (morning/noon/night): midnight V. What is the tv show you never miss? that 70's show VI. Whats the one tv show you can't stand? law and order VII. Do you think you spend more time watching the television or using the computer? Using the computer. VIII. Do you personally think that you spend too much time watching tv? Not at all. I. Whats your favorite meal? steak bitch II. How about your favorite desert? ice cream cake? III. When only a kid, did you eat your vegetables? Yeah. IV. Do you still eat vegetables? Yeah. V. Are you a poor, average, or excellent cook? almost excellent VI. What type of food do you prefer? challenging VII. Salt or pepper? salt VIII. ketchup or mustard? Ketchup. IX. Do you prefer going out to breakfast, lunch, or dinner? Breakfast. X. Do you eat to live or live to eat? eat to live (cept taco bell) All's Fair In Love and War I. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush? im really not sure what this is haha II. Are you in love? Or are you using them? in a different way and no im not III. Do you find most of the time you dislike the people that like you and vice versa? ehhh depends IV. In terms of relationships, are you loving or manipulative? Loving but i can be manipulative haha V. Do you live to love? or would you rather love to live? Both. VI. Do you believe that sex should come before or after marriage? i think when your ready you should do what you want. VII. Do you plan to marry? If so, at what age? If any would live forever with me? yea whenever i met the right one VIII. Do plan to have children, 2, one girl one boy IX. Are your parents married or divorced? divorced and remarried X. Do you want to have a big, spectacular wedding with everyone you know invited or a small, traditional, get-together with family and close-freinds wedding? i'll let the other person choose that... 4 Comment

"You don't have to change much to get the best of me" [17 May 2005|03:28pm] [ mood | decent ] i finally made it through an entire day of school haha..anyways...things have been going pretty well now...except i think i broke my finger today..besides that, i saw adam today..and i shocks me how strong that kid is...he doesn't show a sign of depression..and he lost his mom...but im not gonna get into that...its cool how close i've gotten with out little group...adam, cameron, devin, mark, nicole, kristen...its nice being able to go over there and taking down all the shit i put up everyday to make u all believe im great haha..besides that i really dunno..things are going ok..summers almost here..which means i'll be working 2X more..but i'll get a new car anyways....i figured i'd update cause i have to leave for work in a little bit.... If you could find out one thing about me that i never told you...what would it be? - one of the times i said nothing when u asked - any thing i told you i would say later but never did 9 Comment

[15 May 2005|10:26pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | Chef Van : over it ] This weekend was ehhh....i was sick most of it....and the funeral and stuff..was really tough....i really don't have much to say on this entry.....boomer me and neal went out yesterday..and it was fun...but im sick as hell...i dunno what else to say... 2 Comment

Theres nothing but failure to blame [11 May 2005|10:55pm] [ mood | Fuck it ] [ music | Shine : Over it ] Everything ends right? well the problem is why....why do people hvae to die...friendships have to end....people have to drift...it all is so meaningless to me...adam your probably the closest thing i hvae to best friend..i've knwon u forever..and we've been through it all...and man...i can honestly say i know u...and im sorry man...i really am...i know u probalby don't want me putting this in here...but i am....and i guess i realize at the same time..i lost something to....i can't say i know how it feels...no one can.... things have been hitting me hard....i guess my parents divorce FINALLY hit me....cause i broke down last night....i finally did...and brittany montague made me realize a lot...that i don't take any time for myself....i sit here and i hold it all inside...its been 10 years....10 long yeras since i've opened up..and i really don't know how i guess...i've lost alot of friends and gained alot also... and its those people that i lost i think about....the ones i was close with..... 1 like those parkinglot of giant eagle times.... 2 the crazy games in your basement... 3 going to take pictures with u of crazy things.... 4 de-poosing 5 those times on ur boat...and the huge friendship that was lost...i think i miss u the most...the lake, the phone conversation, and countless other things...i just wnated to name a few of the people who have affected me...but i want to get out that kate...i really miss our friendship.....i thought about it today...and u were the only person i ever vented to...and i miss ya 7 Comment

[08 May 2005|01:53am] [ mood | complacent ] [ music | Innocent : Our lady peace ] Things have been tough for everyone...especially two certain people in my life...one my best friend, and one my girlfriend....i hope they both know im here for them...and its really hard for me to have to sit and watch this stuff happen to them....for him i guess its one of the hardest things that coulda happened....and i can't say i know how it feels....cause i don't....its insanely difficult to watch that happen to him....and her...she has to go through something im very farmiliar with...people please don't ask who they are...cause they know and thats all i want.... my weekend was cool..me boomer and neal drove around and just had a good time...i had to work today...2-9:30...it was rough....and i broke up 8 gallons of milk...and i had to clean it up...lots of fucking milk lol...it was funny tho...me and boomer were driving around and we met up with ashley and katie....adn followed them around....we were bored so we just drove around and then everyone went home....and i decided i wanted to take a drive...so i did... "I remember when people used to say things will get better in the end...well we aren't at the end yet..." 5 Comment

[01 May 2005|12:48am] [ mood | drained ] [ music | Do or Die : papa roach ] What a night....first off i wanna start off by saying i found out who keeps calling my phone and leaving those messages =) and guess what? your fucking dead....anyways...tonite started off ok my aunt picked me up at 6:45 took me out to dinner and then realized she had to go to her great niece's b-day and took me home...i came hom eand called adam...cause boomer and neal i thought were gone..which led to a huge confusion and boomer and neal being extremely pissed at me.....i left my house and figure they had gone to the concert....well i was wrong...neal was at the mall with adam...and i was with cam and adam...and he figure i was ditching him and boomer for those 2....then for the rest of the night i felt like complete shit, he's still mad at me...and i just wanna say boomer u know i wouldn't ditch u...u 2 neal....anyways....i came home from adams...well thats my night...and once again everyone im sorry for the confusion....i hope things get fixed..cause its really taking a toll on me.... 22 Comment

Ibuprofen is god [27 Apr 2005|04:38pm] [ mood | pain ] [ music | disease }{ matchbox 20 }{ ] Well this morning ihad to wake up and have surgery on my feet...yea that sounds great i know...i went to the doctor to realize that both my big toes needed to have this chemical put in them..so he goes its painless don't worry....6 shots of novacaine in each toe....and then he cuts into the toe...and i guess the novacaine didn't work yet...and it hurt like nothing i've felt before lol...so he put 6 more in....so my feet were feeling pretty weird....but i'll spare u all the details....but i came home....and i can't really walk well...but im going to the speech banquet...so thats gonna be interesting, i've missed 2 days this week so schools gonna kick me in the ass when i get back...i've been up since 6 and i haven't moved from this spot yet...so im thinking that its gonna be real hard to stand up....anyways...im out..... 6 Comment

[23 Apr 2005|02:16pm] [ mood | blank ] Well todays my birthday...im 17...and i work from 3-8, then im going to be stuck here cause my dads going out on a date...and my sis has my car...my moms in canton lol and i have no car....im gonna see what adams doing...but besides thats todays going to be great haha...anyways last night was fun, i picked up briana and we came back to my house cause it was shitty outside...and we just hung out here...it was nice...zach called and we met up with him and eileen at the park diner...it was interesting....so we left and briana came back to my house....=) thank you... sorry to everyone that called my cell..and tried to leave a message...my phones message box is full..and i can't seem to clear any... "what i really mean to say, is im sorry for the way.....i am" 8 Comment

[21 Apr 2005|03:18pm] [ mood | unsure ] [ music | Imprefection: skillet ] i woke up to my dads cell phone ringing....and i hear the news that my aunt passed away...what way to start my day right? well i get to school, put it aside in my mind so i don't let it ruin my day....so im good now but its strange how that stuff happens so sudden...so strangely death takes its toll....but anyways...my day was pretty good besides that....school went well....and i just got home...and i tlaked ot maeve....her and i might go get lunch and catch up on old times...i really have alot to say but im not sure what its about...most of which im not even sure how to get out? i think i'd like to start telling people whats on my mind instead of holding it in...but im really not sure how...but anyways thats all i have to say... and thank you...u've made these 2 weeks great..and i just wanted to let u know =) RIP aunt carmy.....you'll be missed 7 Comment

[18 Apr 2005|03:19pm] [ mood | almost happy ] [ music | Take me : papa roach ] Well even tho i was grounded this weekend, i was allowed to go out sunday....so i picked up briana and we watched taxi over my house....lol more or less i watched it..she fell asleep...i had a good time tho....today i ahve to work till 9....and im stuck working with the lazy ass....its alright......4 days till my birthday now....my mom and stepdad are getting me a brand new guitar...which is nice..and im not sure what my dads getting me, he hasn't asked yet...but besides that nothing really interesting happened.....schools going pretty good....works not bad...no ones got a problem with me so far lol so im hoping things stay like this, anyways, i figured i'd update casue my last entry wasn't to happy...well im out "To know that you feel the same as I do Is a three-fold, utopian dream. You do something to me that I cant explain." 6 Comment

Unsure of whats to come [16 Apr 2005|05:50pm] [ mood | furious ] [ music | Done with you : papa roach ] well my weekend has already been killed by friday night...i came home 20 minutes late and im groudned till monday...so my enti weekend is shot...fuck it...last night i went to the mall with john gresh...and met up with corey weaver and saw a bunch of people....john and i talked for a while....but the mall was a bust so we left...it was me rachel and gresh and i took john home...and me and rachel hung out in the parking lot for a while and talked... I really am not sure whats going on in my life...people are doing things to piss me off....some people are acting unlike themselves, its insane...im not even sure who my true friends are. My parents are acting completely different ..my stepdads on this grounding powertrip or something...trying to get me in trouble for everything....i don't get it...jen doesn't get shit but when i leave a book turned the wrong way....i get bitched at....guess i deserve it maybe? i mean i only try to help out around here as much as i can, but maybe i just don't do enough...im tired of updating angrily in this thing....i mean its nice to vent to nothing..but at the same time..i kinda wish i didn't need to anymore....im letting my mind get thte best of me, not really sure whats worth it anymore....I don't give up and i never will, but sometimes its like when i just wanna sit down and be content one of you people always have something to tell me im doing wrong....but what do i know.....everyone have a great weekend... 6 Comment

"these are surely not your best" [12 Apr 2005|03:30pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | Konstantine ] Well things have definetly been crazy lately...i've been working alot..and the moneys good, but it kind of kills my relaxation so i have no time ot relieve any stress...but i've been pretty good...i have some people who are mad at me for things that don't make sense to me...but whatever your mad about...im sorry...anyways my weekend went real fast...friday i just went out with boomer...and it was prettty unevent ful...saturday i picked up annie from the concert and talked to her....well sorta yelled but yea....anyways...i know i told u all i was starting over earlier...and well i lied....i let it all come back to me...but this time....i really am...im not going to let these stupid little fights wiht people get to me...and if someone has a problem with me...thats there own thing they have to deal with.....and whats the point of making this thing friends only...if not everyone can see what im saying...its kind of unfair....so expect some changes...anyways...lol aside frmo that...im actually happy...things are going pretty good.... "we all need a little room, to live...my konstantine" 11 Comment

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